Thursday, October 13, 2016


The million dollar question I get asked most often is, "So when are you guys having children?" This is usually followed by me staring up at the ceiling, feeling sheepish and uncomfortable. If Nate is present, I then stare awkwardly at him, praying he answers for the both of us. When you've been married for a couple years and when you reach a certain age (hello 32), it's to be expected that this is a genuine concern. And not only does it come from my mother and in-laws, but also from friends. Hell even strangers ask me, as if my uterus is public fodder. Most of my friends do have children, and I think they would like us to just get it over with already and join the married with children club. In that sense, I would love to be a member. My friends are wonderful parents and I want nothing more than for our kids to grow up alongside theirs.



But there's just one little problem, as is most problems I face in my life - I'm scared beyond belief. Like the kind of scared that gives me nightmares almost every single night. The kind of fear I used to get before giving a speech or presentation in my college classes. That kind of irrational fear that makes zero sense, but that feels SO real. Even now just typing this, I have a pit in my stomach (not a baby might I add).

Why am I so terrified? Who knows. Maybe it's because I'm an only child? Nah, that doesn't stop most only children. In fact, I think only children go on to have larger families. Don't quote me on that but I'm sure if I bothered to research I could look up some study. Maybe it's because I saw some horrible examples when I was working with foster youth? Nah, I wanted to adopt each and every one of those kiddos. They broke my heart.

I think I'm afraid of the actual pregnancy. I know some women say they loved being pregnant, but I'm almost 100 percent positive that will not be me. I'm also afraid of giving birth. Yes it is life's greatest miracle and I truly believe that. But considering I can't even deal with a migraine, my childbirth might actually look like one of those romantic comedies where the woman is sweating, swearing, and screaming like she's dying and the husband is running around like a chicken with his head cut off. I mean that doesn't really happen, does it? That's just the movies?




Then there's the whole losing your identity thing. I know it's possible to be a loving, present parent while still maintaining a semblance of who you were before children. I just know it's difficult at times. Priorities shift, as they naturally should! But I'm also afraid of being a crazy neurotic parent. I already struggle with worry, so it could get even worse after having a baby. Or it could get better! I guess I won't know until I'm a mother. These are all things I think about a lot, but keep my mouth shut for fear of judgment. I don't want to offend anyone. Many women can't have children, so I don't want to sound like motherhood is some sort of obligation.

Back to the question, when are we having kids? Not sure exactly. But probably next year, God willing. Just don't quote me on that either ;)


9 comments:

  1. Yes, yes, and yes. I'm coming up on my second wedding anniversary in a month and the contents of my uterus seem to be everyone's favorite topic. It drives me nuts. Family, coworkers, friends, acquaintances... they all feel perfectly fine inquiring about whether or not I'm pregnant yet. I don't plan on having children for a few years--I really like being a married adult without children. I can binge-watch GoT without a second thought. I can go on vacation whenever I want. I can make last minute plans. But I am also terrified of the actual pregnancy and giving birth part. My best friend is an ob/gyn and she tells me I'll be fine. My mom tells me it's just something I'm going to have to deal with. But I find it terrifying. And I'm also terrified of the lasting damage to my body--not that I'm a Victoria's Secret by any means, but from the stretch marks and droopy books I already have, I know pregnancy isn't going to be kind to me. And, like you, I'm scared I'll become the parent I've always said I would never be.

    Whew. All that to say I feel the exact same way.

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    1. Well firstly, happy early wedding anniversary! And thank you for reading and leaving such a thoughtful response. I'm nodding yes on all of your reservations about children as well. All of the changes seem selfish to worry about, but I appreciate your honesty because I think most women are fearful of their bodies not being able to bounce back after pregnancy. That's definitely a fear of mine, although not as great as the others I mentioned. I think people just need to focus on what's right for them :)

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  2. I can't believe people still ask that question, I find it so rude and intruding. Thank you for sharing your honest feelings in this post. I am a mother myself (my son is 25) and I am NOT one of those women who loved being pregnant. I hated it. Now, as for the delivery, it was pretty miserable back then. You had to be dilated to a certain centimeter before they would even consider the epidural. Nowadays though, they numb these mammas so soon its basically a breeze. I'm proud of you, girl, for not caving to pressure from people who won't have to be the ones changing diapers, nursing, and worrying. You do you. After all, no one knows you better.

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    1. Yes people ask all the time and I'm not sure if they realize how rude it comes off or not. Seems innocent enough, but still feels like unwanted pressure! Thank you for reading :) I appreciate your thoughts!

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  3. ^^ I'm with Lora on this. I can't believe people haven't learned that it's impolite to ask these things and they are no one's business. I just assume if someone doesn't have children they don't want them (yet/ever...doesn't matter) OR if they want children and have infertility issues, they will share that with me (or not) when they feel like it. I'm sorry you've had to deal with so many questions! And I definitely wasn't a pregnant woman who ever felt amazing. I just got through it and was glad when it was over. I think we've had this conversation in person though. :) Glad you felt comfortable sharing your thoughts here. It just helps to vent sometimes, doesn't it?

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    1. We have definitely had this conversation and you're the absolute best! I do enjoy sharing more on here than just clothes and beauty products. So far I'm happy that others don't mind me blabbing! Or they aren't saying if they do ;)

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  4. First, ppl should not ask. It's a private decision and no one's business, not even your close friends and relatives.
    Second - I never wanted to gave kids. I have anxiety and was terrified of it carrying through pregnancy and beyond. But I did want to experience being a mom. Guess what? My pregnancy was amazing, I had a great birth (short and no complication) and a beautiful daughter. I did have postpartum anxiety though. I had to go back on medication. But despite it all there's nothing I enjoy mire in life than being a mom to my daughter. Yes I changed, but I feel that I'm a better person. I'm more patient, less judgmental and live deeper. I worry less about small things. Oddly enough also less anxious now :) I do only one one child now and that's our decision as a couple (my hubby is an only child).

    Only you know when you are ready and it's ok if you never are. But just wanted to share my experience :)

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    1. Lol just realized all my typo's...catching up on blog roll with a glass of wine in my hands ;)

      I meant to say I "love" deeper now

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    2. Lol the typos are fine! I read blogs on my phone so it's easy to do with or without wine :)

      Thank you for your feedback as always! Motherhood scares me but when I see other women with their kids, it reassures me that I can do it too. When I'm ready! Which I probably never will be!

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